Adolescence

2012-02-11T02:04:00.001+08:00

how sometimes we have so much to say. so much that silence is the only way.

2012-02-03T01:37:00.000+08:00

sometimes, we are the ones who write the tragedies in our lives.

2012-01-11T02:52:00.002+08:00

you were once self confident. you always knew you had it in you to be someone great. somehow it all changed. stuck now in mediocrity. you often wondered where did it all go wrong? did the endless hours spent go to waste? how did a life that had showed such promise dimmed?

many nights i had spent thinking of you. many nights i came to the same conclusion: that you are better off now. many nights i wondered how things could have changed if everything was the way it was suppose to be.

feelings. they seem a sort of leash that holds you back from doing what you know you ought to do. somehow wishing seems to wound deeper.

disappointments. you can't seem to wave them away. buzzing overhead above you, as if mocking your efforts.

tears. a wasted effort and imaginary attempt to make things better.

2011-12-11T02:10:00.001+08:00

You won’t forget how much you loved, because love is not something easily forgotten. You won’t forget how hurt you felt, or how betrayed, or how alone. You won’t forget your promise to not feel hurt and betrayed and alone again. You won’t forget goodbye.

2011-11-22T14:40:00.001+08:00

you don't know that i had kept everything the same as it used to be because i needed the past to keep my present afloat.

2011-06-30T00:47:00.002+08:00

i find myself here again. strangely enough i don't know where to begin every single time i'm here, realising that i had been staring at the screen for ages and yet seemingly unable to put a single letter on it. confused and drowned.

the gaping hole. that huge void that was left behind. feels like a blackhole of some sort, seeking to draw everything in its path to plug it but often consuming everything, leaving nothing not even the beautiful memories that were created for they were in the very end, marred beyond the point of recognition. skin hunger.

2011-06-22T23:18:00.000+08:00

the dead belongs to the past. and i must attend to the future.

2011-06-10T06:40:00.001+08:00

no big words. no movie quotes. just endless staring out into the sea. i do hope i meet a familiar face before i leave this time around.

2011-06-10T00:24:00.001+08:00

when those two stories became one. our story had just begun.

2011-06-07T12:36:00.000+08:00

anger will fire you up. but first you need to go get some sleep.

2011-06-06T23:16:00.002+08:00

the tic only drives home the fact that time is running out for me.

2011-06-05T00:07:00.002+08:00

and i hope you'll have your own happily ever after.

it came out sounding as if love was lost. i guess love is always lost. but i wished the week wasn't as quiet as the one that just passed...i could do with some laughter now :/

2011-05-12T22:06:00.000+08:00

i watched as she held back her tears. so i told her my story just so she knows no situation nor circumstance too big to handle. not for God.

2011-05-08T22:09:00.002+08:00

it's been a while now since i last left a message here. back to the comfort of this quiet corner of my life without the judging glares of familiar strangers and friends that got too close for comfort. i wonder how i often wrote my feelings on this wall without much of a veil in the past, but i guess that's just me then.

so much had happened and i guess with the leaving of this place i managed to do away with much of my memories as well. i'd learnt that i'm pretty capable of forgetting things really quickly, depositing them in a secret safe locked away in the confines of a prison i had built to prevent others and myself from getting to them. the emotions that accompany them goes as well. i found it easier. to forget. to run away. to start anew.

the other day we were having a cell session at 750 and i let slipped something - without hope there comes no comfort. hope and comfort are tied together. i love the rising sun. but i haven't exactly caught one before. i thought it needed to be done with someone special. only than can everything be perfect. cause she will provide the brilliance and that added beauty for that moment in time. *i find myself smiling at this point* the image of the rising sun is my hope.

without a doubt i set in place a plan to kill a friendship. a treasured one. a beloved one. it was a selfish plan. but it was a plan that will keep the purity of the friendship alive. embedded in my memory as an amazing exchange whenever i'll look upon it in future. the prolonged absence. physical. without a sound. calls to text messaging to facebook messages to nothing at all. i found that it requires a great deal of strength to make that decision. somehow, looking at her.. i lost whatever strength and determination to drop the friendship. well, at least the telling her part was difficult. but...i need to go now, it's for both our good.

2010-12-08T23:18:00.001+08:00

it's amusing how my thoughts often revolves around her amuses me. even this post is a testament to that notion.

2010-09-14T00:27:00.000+08:00

i've found it. okay perhaps not found it but probably realised it. He was with me all these while.

2010-09-04T00:51:00.000+08:00

2010-07-10T11:35:00.001+08:00

at post 1215. i begin to feel that i can do away with this journal already. you think?
bye now :)

2010-07-05T19:04:00.000+08:00

contradiction.

2010-07-04T01:45:00.000+08:00

be it how little time we have together. she really bares her thoughts. the human mind is for the idea of reciprocating. but... what happens if it turns out like last time? :(

2010-07-02T22:42:00.001+08:00

how do you fall in and out of love with the same person so many times? how do you say 'yes God! yes God!' and yet fall to temptation? how do you walk on after falling as if nothing happened?

2010-06-26T22:26:00.001+08:00

sometimes, i shudder at the way i deal with things. sometimes, i wonder how i soldier on without a care. sometimes, i wonder if perhaps i might have internalised all these hurt and that it might have caused a change in me. a change that i never noticed.

2010-06-25T00:52:00.001+08:00

it's just been such a long time...i don't know. i guess i'd been wrong all these while. that i'm missing and that she's missing me.

2010-06-19T23:09:00.004+08:00

it is true she's been on my mind all these while. it is true that we haven't met all these while. it is true that absence makes the heart grow fonder. it is true that as time passes and the lesser we meet, her existence seems to get forgotten more frequently. it is true that i'm submerged in a contradiction. it is true that i'm beginning to regain myself too.

2010-06-12T15:10:00.001+08:00

2010-06-10T22:41:00.004+08:00

and now this innocence in our relationship has been marred. it's like this piece of white paper where a drop of ink had left it's stain. never to be erased off. and ever so painfully reminding us of its presence. we can't go back to before- i love you haiwei.

i hate myself every time i have to smile when i know i don't mean it and yet i still do it.

2010-06-06T18:24:00.001+08:00

you know how friends who hang out together a lot turn out to become more and more like each other? it's the same with God. the more you walk with Him, the more you know Him. the more you'll be like Him.

Lady Antebellum - All We'd Ever Need

2010-06-05T22:30:00.000+08:00

2010-05-30T18:13:00.001+08:00

God loves you. and you love God. so why what do you want with me God? and not what can i do for you God?

random thought.

2010-05-30T17:31:00.000+08:00

is it wonder. or just purely being disturbed. being bothered.

2010-05-28T22:18:00.000+08:00

inspired. in more ways than one. how beautiful this all is.

2010-05-28T08:02:00.000+08:00

wonder why we make decisions we know we'll live to regret.

2010-05-23T03:20:00.005+08:00

the impression of a button-small, insignificant. that was what i thought. and i said,' O God, what is it? what is it you want to speak to me through this?' and the story of the button unfolded right there. just right there in full definition in my mind. the button in my hand was grey, small, totally common. in fact, it wouldn't catch the eye of anyone even if you have it posted up on a billboard. a closer look at the button and one will realize that there're tiny holes in it. though round, it is incomplete(imperfect). it's just like our lives (my life actually). though grey and imperfect, it is through these 'holes' in our life that the Maker uses to weave threads through to sew a beautiful piece of clothing. you are part of a bigger story. God has plans for you, even through your imperfections. perhaps you are who you are for God's glory.

JOHN 9- JESUS HEALS A MAN BORN BLIND.

2010-05-21T19:42:00.002+08:00

we reached a point where we decide on our own that it is now alright to let go of the friendship. bit by bit. block by block. memory by memory.

2010-05-15T00:02:00.007+08:00

it's 12.03 am on my clock. it says it's time for me to be in bed. somehow, i've decided to make this entry a tad meaningful. meaningful not in the philosophical kind of way. meaningful as in the way haiwei had always known it to be, thoughts about the world. the people :)

work has been catching up with haiwei for a while now, he's been busy. busy with life? or was it with work? can't really remember now, the two seem intertwined. it's not exactly joyous. it's never been a hobby or something that is deep within haiwei to babysit 61 18 year old babies. but i guess haiwei will get by. spent a couple of days the past week missing some friends. yes, i do understand, it's just part of our life to have some friends leave us for a while, some to return, while some never will. perhaps the question which seemed to surface quite occasionally, was why? not why did they have to leave. but why close down the blogs? not seeing them. not being able to 'pop in incidentally' and meeting online. and then, closure of blogs and the very last shed of light from their colourful book of life dimmed. just like that :/ but i guess they have their reasons. we all do.

i'm going to pen down (okie more like type in) a conversation that became rather important to me. it happened a long while back, but i could somehow remember it like it was just yesterday (cliche- haha!)

pc1: so how's your studies?

haiwei: it's nowhere near amazing. i guess that's why i never really attempted to go for scholarships like how many of my friends did.

pc1: i have come far enough in my life to share with you this. but you should go try for whatever that comes your way. imagine a few years from now, when you're working and you bump into a guy who didn't do any better than you but is faring better than you are, just because he tried and you didn't...

we had a long chat that night. but it made haiwei realise a fundamental mistake that he had committed. all humans do. but i guess, these mistakes are like these blips in our chart of life, jutting out from nowhere and yet glaringly in the spotlight- always reminding us what fools we were or continue to be; haiwei neglected the obvious. perhaps it was because every other kid i knew back in VJ was doing so well or just low self-esteem at work then (though i bet many who knew me would beg to differ with regards to the latter) but i dashed any single remaining hope i had before they could even work their magic; i gave up before i even started fighting. i was thankful then (when i came to realise this mistake). and i continue to be thankful now. i always told people that i was fortunate to have met many a good man while in the service to the nation.

i know. i haven't been able to talk to many people. i was thinking, though the chances of that is quite minimal, that perhaps they might want to know what's been in my mind these days. hmmm just random musings i guess.

2010-05-14T19:22:00.000+08:00

it's not a shame. just can't lift myself up from where i am and poke my brain a little to write like before?

The Story of My Life

2010-05-12T21:43:00.001+08:00

there's a sense of finality. a sense of it all coming to an end. and like how mr quayle always like to say it. with an end, comes a new beginning.

2010-05-12T20:33:00.000+08:00

the stars lean down to kiss you and i lie awake and miss you.

2010-05-04T21:40:00.000+08:00

it takes less than a minute to say those three words. it takes a lifetime to live it. His love endures forever :)

2010-05-01T19:45:00.000+08:00

laugh the loudest when things seem the bleakest.

2010-04-25T21:15:00.001+08:00

those tears have already been shed. now i'm dry.

it just gets tiring to keep trying. sometimes, i just wish people would try instead...

2010-04-20T19:40:00.003+08:00

when photographers look through the lens of their camera, they often try to pick out the best angle to look at something. sadly, in our reality, people hardly do that. i'm part of the people, that's without a doubt :/

i looked around me at my new working environment. the heat's blistering. the place's deserted save for the pocketful of people around. 'at least one company's functioning', haiwei thought. walked to the company line and was greeted by a whiteboard.

God made things such that people are to be loved and things to be used. but in these times, things are loved, while people are being used.

great. wonder what's the culture like over at this place. wonder who are the characters who are going to colour up my life for the next 10 months. wonder if i'll sink deeper into oblivion, stuck on a hill in a camp in the middle of a forest. wonder if things are about to change drastically again :/

without a doubt. i'm going to run into problems. that was what i gathered at the end. please please please let my worst fears not come true...

2010-04-18T20:37:00.002+08:00

i frowned more than i laughed. but when i finally did laughed, i laughed ever the wider. sweet day :)

2010-04-18T07:43:00.000+08:00

2010-04-17T23:48:00.003+08:00

as the day comes to an end. i passed it with much sadness and regret. much foolishness and confusion. much more broken and none healed.

2010-04-17T08:34:00.000+08:00

angst -.-" LOL.

2010-04-15T21:42:00.002+08:00

it's useless to lie :'(

2010-04-12T20:53:00.002+08:00

softer. gentler. sweeter :)

2010-04-11T21:17:00.000+08:00

the weekend was fabulous. i enjoyed every single bit of it. awesome :)

2010-04-11T02:02:00.002+08:00

today was special in a lot of ways. i woke up to andrea's text message. she was reminding me to reach scgs by 1030 am. met her cousin. and my was she puny. but she was adorable:) reminded me of a goldfish. what captivated me about this child was that she was really sensible and quite the cute girl. we were walking around with her and met this art teacher of hers. and the art teacher was telling her to ask her mom (andrea) to buy her painting. and recognising how offensive/hurtful it was going to be for andrea the child apologised to andrea! and of course she asked what was my age and decided i looked 27 rather than 20. it was a good laugh and i'd spent a really enjoyable time with the two cousins :) though andrea said she felt younger, i never quite felt likewise.

random: while speaking i noticed how andrea will bend forward and get to the same level as the child and i never did likewise. i'm guessing it was the innate nature of a man such as i to be prideful.

in youth ministry. a mini-revolution stirred within the soul. it was for the better.

then was time with ian. it's ian birthday party. ian said it was a day celebrating us. for we are the ones whom he is reminded of. and it was such a great gesture that i thought somehow his speech written on the cake absolutely represents ian. it was a great time for the class. we shared more than a few laughs and it felt as if the good o' times were back again. though i know, it takes more than a few good works to bring back the previous level of intimacy in our friendships and i worry till no end with regards to shiling's dilemma...

2010-04-09T23:41:00.000+08:00

it's just underlying. beneath the surface. right there but never really quite there.

2010-04-06T20:10:00.003+08:00

these days i have been greatly troubled. it started with this passage:

Early on the first day of the week, while it was still dark, Mary Magdalene went to the tomb and saw that the stone had been removed from the entrance. So she came running to Simon Peter and the other disciple, the one Jesus loved, and said, "They have taken the Lord out of the tomb, and we don't know where they have put him!" So Peter and the other disciple started for the tomb. Both were running, but the other disciple outran Peter and reached the tomb first. He bent over and looked in at the strips of linen lying there but did not go in. Then Simon Peter, who was behind him, arrived and went into the tomb. He saw the strips of linen lying there, as well as the burial cloth that had been around Jesus' head. The cloth was folded up by itself, separate from the linen. Finally the other disciple, who had reached the tomb first, also went inside. He saw and believed. (They still did not understand from Scripture that Jesus had to rise from the dead.) Then the disciples went back to their homes, but Mary stood outside the tomb crying. As she wept, she bent over to look into the tomb and saw two angels in white, seated where Jesus' body had been, one at the head and the other at the foot. They asked her, "Woman, why are you crying?" "They have taken my Lord away," she said, "and I don't know where they have put him." At this, she turned around and saw Jesus standing there, but she did not realize that it was Jesus.

– John 20:1-13 (NIV)

i can't help but wonder. why Mary?

2010-04-04T20:06:00.001+08:00

i find myself smiling like a fool even while waiting for a bus ride home. i guess that's what they call happiness :)

2010-04-03T09:02:00.002+08:00

maybe when i understand it better.

2010-04-01T18:03:00.002+08:00

while a trainee, you thought the world was different from how it should have been. you told yourself you'd do something about it. you realise when you come out and join the world, the odds are heavily stacked against you to make a substantial difference. and you ask yourself, 'hey, were all that really worth my while?'

2010-03-29T01:23:00.000+08:00

Verse 1:
If my heart has grown cold,
There Your love will unfold;
As You open my eyes to the work of Your hand.
When I'm blind to my way,
There Your Spirit will pray;
As You open my eyes to the work of Your hand,
As You open my eyes to the work of Your hand.

Chorus:
Oceans will part; nations come
At the whisper of Your call.
Hope will rise; glory shown.
In my life, Your will be done.

Verse 2:
Present suffering may pass,
Lord, Your mercy will last;
As You open my eyes to the work of Your hand.
And my heart will find praise,
I'll delight in Your way,
As You open my eyes to the work of Your hand,
As You open my eyes to the work of Your hand.

2010-03-28T13:55:00.000+08:00

i had other thoughts last night.

just pondering.

2010-03-27T01:46:00.002+08:00

penning this down to remind myself that joy can be found even through small things. as i sat there, listening to your laughter i thought that moment was magical just simply because we're just sitting there and talking over nonsense while really enjoying each other's presence. a happiness that celebrates a friendship i guess :)

and like this tonic water. let there be a clarity in your knowledge of your purpose and mission, for without which no human endeavour is sustainable. son, what is your purpose?

2010-03-25T02:16:00.005+08:00

i was reading my book on my bed. can't help but draw parallels with the life i had just a month before. i'm guessing at that point in time i'd be somewhere in some part of this island doing some sort of night movement for some sort of night exercise. how things change in a matter of weeks. slowly appreciating and accepting my new posting now. oink :)

reminder to self. arrange for your medical by this week!!!

will you kiss me again so i can pretend we're kissing for the first time because when we kissed for the first time, i was distracted. i couldn't believe it was true that i was truly, really, finally kissing you. will you hug me again so i can pretend we're embracing for the first time. i lost my senses. i couldn't believe it was real, inside i was laughing and dancing like peppermint eels.

2010-03-24T20:37:00.002+08:00

he sat waiting underneath that tree. waiting for that moment when she arrives. waiting so she knows she's worth the wait :)

2010-03-24T01:11:00.000+08:00

much have changed since then.

2010-03-23T12:29:00.002+08:00

women need to communicate to have sex.

*eyes him with a naughty look*

men, however, need sex to communicate.

o.O what has this got to do with me?

2010-03-20T13:23:00.003+08:00

you're too quick for us to catch.
maybe you guys aren't running fast enough.
who said we were running?

2010-03-20T01:53:00.002+08:00

yes i still do miss the good people that had stayed for a while in my life. i was looking back at the times i had in high school.

2010-03-13T20:00:00.001+08:00

anyone have got any contentful books for me to read? :) i'm horribly bored.

2010-03-10T11:12:00.003+08:00

it should be as it was where the different worlds barely touched one another, and the one glimpsed just enough of the other to want to learn more about it. the boys' world happy and arrogant or silent and determined, the girls' shy or impish, sensitive or strapping, with secretive minds and a laughter you could let yourself be completely filled with, and then dream about: their faces then! these sudden flashes of a girls' features that come while working or before going to sleep, the lightness you're suffused with, the happiness that doesn't stop there, at the frontiers of the face, but goes on spending, and at last envelopes everything there is. a pair of worn clogs standing on the doorstep, and the rain that begins to fall on them, this is her, both the shoes and the rain are her, and you hurry over, pick up the shoes with sudden tenderness, put them in the hall, and ran out into the rain, face turned up to the sky, for she is falling on you, and on the grass and the trees, and on the river and the hills. the green caterpillar crawling over the stone wall that isn't even aware of your finger, but crawls up it, makes you happy because it reminds you that she exists, just as smoke from a chimney that's whipped by the wind and dissolves in the gray air reminds you that she exists, and the brown water in the ruts of a cart track when the sun shines on it, and the green grass beside it, and the squirrel that each day hops along the same branches of the same trees at the same time of day, this, too, reminds you she exists, as it runs across the road with its bushy tail in the air, climbs a tree on the other side, and is gone. everything reminds you of her, everything makes you happy, and the only thing you really want to see is her again. perhaps she'll come walking along the road at dusk? perhaps you'll push your plate aside, walk into the hall, put on your shoes, and go out to meet her there? if so it will be with a trembling heart. and perhaps the sun will shine on the pine barren on the other side of the river, while the sky above the meadow is gray and the air filled with soft rain, and perhaps she'll stop when she catches sight of you, because maybe she feels the same way, maybe she's been thinking of you during these days and weeks, too. so it won't really matter if you haven't anything to say to each other, because you'll both be feeling the same and wanting the same: silently you'll walk side by side down the road, the grass making your shoes wet, she glancing at you now and then, you glancing at her now and then, you both smile, you both know, this is you.

yea you can pretty much guess that it's the drizzling outside that prompted this. imagine that with the evening sky as the backdrop with the breeze caressing the features of your face. warm fuzzy feeling inside huh? darn, makes me feel like going on a long holiday even more badly. alright, i should get lunch now :)

2010-03-09T00:34:00.008+08:00

inadequate. that night back home. as i sat alone on the train, i allowed my thoughts to wander drawing strange connections and conclusions to that unbearable weight that sits on my lungs making the mere action of breathing a hugely tiresome event. and that word came up.

in the beginning i made a promise to myself to not talk about what happens in the army whenever i go out with people. well as time passed, it was a really tall order. imagine not booking out for weeks. imagine having your earliest book out timings to be on saturday afternoons at 3 pm and your latest book in on sunday nights at 8 pm when you live in pasir ris and your camp is at joo koon (sweet). now quit imagining and put yourself in a situation whereby almost everyday of your life, all you see are people in green and of course the occasional blue and white (navy guys). it's like letting a young child out of his little world and into that of adults. it is pitiful (yes, that i know too) but i guess what is deserving of pity is that...you get reminded that you're leading a piteous life. already, it takes strength and courage (and trust me tonnes of thick-skin) to share and even try to relate the experience inside to those on the outside who're willing to listen. besides. how do you relate the overwhelming levels of fatigue you experience to the world outside? will people understand what you have just been through before you booked out when they see you, asleep overwhelmed by exhaustion while waiting for your meal to come in a foodcourt? will they understand what it is like to prepare yourself to experience death all over again every time before you move out for an exercise? will they want to hear about the videos you are put through to help you understand the realities of war? do they want to understand why you do the things you do?

sometimes, while scribbling something on my diary i'd look up, out of the window and wonder why i'm here. i look back at my little notice board. we do for those we hold dear. what happens when those we hold dear don't really appreciate what you do? so how do we fight a losing battle? how do we win a war we can't win?

i don't know what to say to you.

and i smiled back retreating behind that mist of laughters and smiles.

alright. really this is one of the rare moments when the soldier shouts out his thoughts. rawr! after rereading this post for the second time, the soldier just thought of something that describes how he feels in a more accurate sense. social misfit.

2010-03-08T21:21:00.003+08:00

sarah palin: 'president Obama is weighing the nation down with his weightlessness-ness. i'm not going to use big or fancy words. i'm just going to say what hockey moms and soccer moms around this great nation are wondering, and that's how can we trust a leader who might weigh less than a Victoria's Secret model?

leadership is about weight. it's about weighty issues. issues involving weight and heavy things and people who have weight. leaders who are men like Winston Churchill or Franklin Roosevelt or what's his name there, that UN fellow from way back, Dag Hammarskjold. Meat on their bones.

it's American to have weight. get up on a scale, move the little thing there at the top. Hockey moms do it. Soccer moms do it. But jeez. About the only people who don't do it are the French. and they're socialists. so you do the math.'

he weighs 179.9 pounds.

pardon me. i'm only 127.6 pounds.

2010-03-04T21:58:00.000+08:00

some see hope as wishful thinking, some as thoughtful wishing.

2010-03-02T21:11:00.002+08:00

there is only one thing children find harder to hold back than tears, and that is joy. haiwei is no exception. the odds against anyone searching for him just here isn't something that crosses his mind. nor have the unreasonableness of doing so in such utter darkness as this. one does not argue with joy, one surrenders to it....

2010-02-27T21:12:00.001+08:00

marc: oh my gosh. i feel like crying over your injury. are you okay?

that is my buddy, marc.

2010-02-22T10:43:00.001+08:00

it reminded me right then of a brief love affair, the kind you have when you are about to move from a familiar place to somewhere new, and you begin a romance with a built-in expiration.

and when the time comes for the affair to end, you are sad but grateful, because having had someone who understood you perfectly in that moment helps you make the transition, allows you to walk into the uncertain night and toward that unknown place with a clearer sense of who you are and where you’ve been, your heart filled with all that’s gone and with everything that you will never, ever stop loving.

2010-02-21T23:38:00.001+08:00

though i woke up in the middle of the night several times, i dreamt. the body is sore from whatever that it had to endure the day before. not a very good way to start the day. but it gets manageable over time.

2010-02-20T16:33:00.002+08:00

what is a human life? a pulse in the heartbeat of eternity? a cry that begins with birth and ends with death? a brief and tempestuous sojourn on an inhospitable shore, where there is really neither joy, nor love, nor light, nor certitude, nor peace, nor help for pain? or is it, is it something more?

2010-02-19T01:20:00.003+08:00

haiwei had been a wreak for a large portion of the day. regained himself, but only partially, whenever he prayed. it just seemed so difficult to suppress the notion of failing.

2010-02-16T17:34:00.001+08:00

have a little faith and hold on to that hope. 5 weeks. they pass in a jiffy :)

2010-02-16T10:33:00.003+08:00

the man came to realise that it works best when you don't even try at all. and there you have it. the secret to forgetting someone.

i like the colour blue.

what shade of blue? she asks.

hmmm... i'll tell you when i see it.

like the blue of forget me not?

2010-02-15T00:15:00.001+08:00

lopesided affair.

2010-02-14T09:27:00.003+08:00

i was sorry to hear what he said. i told my chief instructor how i felt with regards to this situation. i thought though we may have differing philosophies, what we wanted to achieve was very much the same. and as usual as the conversation touched onto deeper things, i started to talk even more idealistically. naive kid.

2010-02-13T23:24:00.002+08:00

xiao peng you. it's how my chief instructor (PC) calls me. i wonder if it's because i'm idealistically naive or just that i'm plain kiddish. either way i like being called that. captain ck calls me biscuit like how alwyn does. captain tan just calls me haiwei like how wing commander always calls me. it's random.

today perhaps was most miserable considering the fact that we had to go through csb the night before followed by some really whacked up regimentation. anyways, the weeks are closing in. i'm getting out of here soon. but before i go, some tasks were thrown to me. it's going to be one lonely miserable journey.

2010-02-12T13:13:00.001+08:00

smile the brightest when the day gets miserable :)

2010-02-11T19:47:00.002+08:00

dawn mission. night movement pass an adventure camp. listened to the laughters of their youth. told myself for the third time since being here that i'll lead a happy life after i'm out of here. and because of that i'm grateful i'm here. withstanding all these.

2010-02-07T00:56:00.004+08:00

that God, whenever i put on that cold, wet helmet. help me remember the warmth on my face from the sunshine. unbearably mad week. what's more there's a part 2.

2010-02-01T22:00:00.000+08:00

same old feeling. same old reaction. same old cycle.

2010-02-01T08:13:00.003+08:00

it makes no difference. just that you're standing in the front with every pair of eyes staring at you, scrutinising you.

2010-01-27T20:02:00.000+08:00

bottled up memories.

2010-01-26T15:39:00.007+08:00

i was flipping through my notepad. came to this page after a debrief on some defensive operation.

it was chilly in the morning. condensation formed from our breath was visible. perhaps it's true that the coldness amplifies pain. that deep cut i suffered back in the first mission is hurting real bad and as and when it deems fit, as if it has a mind of it's own.

random thoughts often surface from time to time.

foolish mistake. blissful laughters.

i was chasing enemy forces on a ridgeline ( penetrating from the north to their core)

hot air rises while cold air sinks. seems like warmth doesn't linger for long down here in our world. it hangs around long enough to flirt with us, often leaving us longing for more before it 'rises'. coldness, on the other hand, never fail to make its way into our lives. i'm so afraid that i might start missing you again. wayne 18 1805

pinned up hopes.

2010-01-26T02:54:00.001+08:00

life in a 3 by 5.

2010-01-05T02:38:00.002+08:00

because i knew that every moment that i have with you is precious.

with that i set off.

it smells so beautiful.

having your mind flooded with memories. memories of the past. truly wonderful, beautiful times.

...here with your best friend, sitting on the edge. with the cool breeze blowing, the moon nowhere in sight and the stars don't wanna come out to play.

what a night.

2010-01-02T00:27:00.002+08:00

here again. not going to attempt something on my own this time around.

although soldiers often asked God for help during combat, they are less likely to when they return home. the pre-eminence of death during war silently bonds many soldiers with God-a that bond that is difficult to understand without the experience of continually facing death over a long period of time. a soldier's mantra becomes 'Yea, though i walk through the valley of the shadow of death, i will fear no evil: for thou art with me.' there are few atheists in the foxholes.the religious concept of God and the afterlife is often all the soldier has to hold himself together in the darkest moments of combat. this initiates a tremendous intellectual battle within the combat soldier as he tries to rationalize the morality of war and his individual actions within the parameters of human goodness and love. he is faced with the dilemma of looking for the best of situations in the worst of circumstances. in his thoughts, the soldier looks for a god who offers forgiveness for his actions, protection, and the hope of a herafter. the intensity of this introspective search accelerates with escalating combat action, deteriorating morality, and time.

combat soldiers face decisions that require them to put their lives at extreme risk to improve their friends' and unit's chances for survival. seldom if ever in normal life do we encounter even a momentary situation when we must make a conscious decision to give up our lives for our fellow man. although ministers, doctors, social workers, teachers, and other goodwill servants talk about and try to improve the human condition and in their own way save lives, and perceive their occupations to be somewhat of a personal sacrifice for the betterment of of humanity, these people usually risk little and never have to make the decision to give up their own lives by taking a bullet through the heart for another person.but combat soldiers are put into situations where they are often confronted with such life-and-death decisions.

some soldiers develop what i call a Jesus complex from continually risking their lives to save others or a guilt complex for not continuing to do so. they experience, at its extreme, the great dichotomy of humanity, the split soul inherent in our nature in which we willingly sacrifice our life for one worthy man yet slaughter another unknown but equally valuable person.

after the war, as the combat veteran moves farther away from death but continues to extend the intellectual analysis begun on the battlefield, he can become disenfranchised from the God he moved closer to during the war. this shift is not caused by the increased distance from death but by what the soldier sees in the world when he returns home. sometimes little in the civilian world makes sense to these men. the wonderful anticipated postwar life is at best a distant vision.

many combat veterans feel a horrible loss because the closely bonded, pure relationships developed in war are corrupted in a more complex civilian existence. the opportunities to create similar interdependent, respectful, caring friendships are much harder to find at home in a comparatively self-centered and superficial world. here we are more inclined to compete with one another, whereas in war we tend to compete only against the enemy.

the war tragedies make it hard for combatants to communicate with people who have not had the same experiences. the risk, intensity, and commitment from living life at this extreme level further isolate the combat soldier from other people and institutions who might be able to help him. he becomes more introverted and distant. life can never be the same again.he tries to ignore the fear, brutality, and sadness of combat violence and the suppressed anger that steams inside. even with the great gift of survival, the soldier's frustration, cynical bitterness, and anger impede healing.

what surprised me was when andrea mentioned about breaking down and building up. she thought of it and i didn't. i'm in the army and she wasn't. and it begs the question if my reflections are of any quality or help in my situations sometimes.

2009-12-28T12:37:00.001+08:00

i just locked myself out of my room.

2009-12-25T21:59:00.001+08:00

we're alike but not the same.

2009-12-25T13:00:00.001+08:00

they say there's 12 weeks to go.

2009-12-21T06:18:00.004+08:00

not sad? to me she seemed the saddest person in the world, a woman completely perplexed by her life and its trappings. being myself a sad person, i recognised that much. my own sadness isn't something i admit to people. if someone asked, yes, i think i might. if someone noticed and inquired, i would explain-i think i would explain- that i am a fundamentally sad person, a fundamentally unlovable person, a person who spends his life longing for a number of things that he cannot bring bring himself to name or define, some people can. some people are small reference works of their own obsessions and desires, constantly cross-indexed and brimming with information. they do not wait to be consulted, they just supply. others of us do not. we are truly sad, i think, just as in some religions, those who pray alone, who do penance and charity work alone, are the truly pious. like the truly pious, we can recognise one another.both of us were lonely, independant mourners.

merely thoughts.

2009-12-13T18:25:00.005+08:00

it has been a while since i last wrote about my thoughts. these days i walk quietly on the streets, enjoying the cool breeze caressing the features of my face slowly as i think things through. for some reason, i begin to appreciate these moments finding them an amazing blessing.

i may be adding things. it's been years now, and nearly everyday i dream up my hours and meetings with her. perhaps it's my long hours spent in the library but you cannot really stop me from annotating, revising, updating. i like to think that- because of that very fact- i offer accurate and spurious advice with no judgement, good and bad next to each other on the shelf. but my memories are not books. blessing if they were. then maybe someone would borrow one and keep it too long and return it, a little battered, offering money for my forgiveness, each memory new after its long absence. my memories are not books. they are only stories that i have been over so many times in my head that i don't know from one day to the next what's remembered and what's made up. like when you memorize a poem, and for one small unimportant part you supply your own words. the meaning's the same, the meter's identical. when you read the actual version you can never get it into your head that it's right and you're wrong. what i give is today's edition. tomorrow it may be different...

sorry. just trying to make sense of everything :)

2009-12-13T14:12:00.003+08:00

in spite of the evident happiness, these troubling thoughts which lie under it all do linger on throughout the day. with a little faith, hopefully things will be fine. i'm telling these to myself every single moment in a bid to drag some peace into my life.

2009-12-11T22:30:00.000+08:00

oh please don't cry...

2009-12-08T00:56:00.002+08:00

we pieced puzzles today. she was kiddish. she was philosophical. she was physical drained. but i thought more than ever she was beautiful.

i thought what was magical about puzzles is that no matter how you try to force a piece to fit another, it will not stay. it takes that perfect other half. after repeated trial-and-errors or sometimes a single stroke of fate or chance, you complete them.

i can't seem to help much nowadays. thought all i could do was at least keep you company. night honey :)

2009-12-05T07:08:00.005+08:00

walked on into the vegetation and there we saw a pond. a piece of the sky fallen onto the earth. so what do you do when the heavens fall apart?

it was a twilight zone. lifted up from wherever and whatever situations we were in, and thrown into an environment that had everything lacking. remember the time when we got lost and finally found our way back after 3 hours? we had a conversation that night.

jonathan: i was thinking i'd had died in there.

haiwei: conversations i had with my mom kept running through my mind. i think i'll have breakfast with her the first thing i touch down.

weikang: gosh. you sound like you're about to die.

remember what you said about the course that led to master philip's thumbs-up?

haiwei: i realised that it isn't about what we had gotten (the badge) at the very end of the course that matters. what matters are the things that we had right from the beginning and learning how to appreciate them. i thought this course was good. i thought even if i didn't had the badge, i stand in front of you a changed man, a more appreciative man.

let's not forget the times that precede the confidence course. you were made in charge of the heli-insertion mission. remember those times, yea?

alright that is it for now :)

2009-11-14T17:09:00.002+08:00

a little longer and you'll realise you're on your way to some place far away. a little longer and you'll realise everything is about to change. a little longer and you'll realise how much all this is going to take from you. i had a little thought the other day and decided to divide my time to share it with different people. it's a pity. i'm left with a little more than 4 hours and it seems... oh wells. things never do go our way do they? :)